Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints leader Warren Jeffs earlier in his trial threatened a Texas judge and prosecutors for infringing on his religious freedom — specifically his right to marry marginally pubescent girls.
On July 29, Jeffs, who fired his attorneys to represent himself, opted for the bold legal move of a pre-emptive closing argument. He told Judge Barbara Walther that God would cause her to get sick and die if she didn’t let him go.
"Verily, thus sayeth the Lord," Jeffs prophesied. "Boils shall afflict thy nether regions, locusts thy nose, and split ends thy hair. All thy PIN numbers shall be revealed. Thou shalt lose thy favorite pair of shoes. Amen."
I am, of course, paraphrasing Jeffs. It’s OK, because I’m a newspaper columnist. Also, nothing I make up could be any weirder than what he actually said.
Walther did not let Jeffs go. Instead, she ordered his microphone turned off. All that’s left now is to wait and see if anything bad happens to her or anyone else with the audacity to cross Jeffs. Including me.
If God does curse anyone for treating Jeffs poorly, it’s only fair that I get it. After all, I’m deliberately derisive of him personally and his beliefs in general.
In fact, I feel strongly enough about it that I’m consciously willing to tempt my fate with all that boils and locust stuff. But if the Lord does curse me, rest assured it will be for other stuff I did.
Conversely, Walther and the prosecutors are just doing their jobs, part of which is to ensure that any wiggle-headed claim of religious freedom doesn’t include sex with children.
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